I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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