I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
