and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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