Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
