so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
