I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
