You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
