and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize