I am spending my child support on dildos
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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