You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Randomize
