I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
zippers are such a cool invention
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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