Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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