Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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