mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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