Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
