Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize