Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
