I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize