my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
