Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
