You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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