Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
