Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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