so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
