I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
