He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
