arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
