whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
