nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
