There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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