either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
