I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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