The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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