My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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