Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
