just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
