I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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