I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
