I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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