u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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