Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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