i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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