Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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