This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
