I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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