You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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