My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
