I wish I could punch you in the face.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
