i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize