this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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