I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
