is your mom at the bar?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
