someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
