If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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