walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
