i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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