I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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