I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize