the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
