***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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