i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
