I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
