I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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