We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
