Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize