He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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