im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
