Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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