After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize