why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
