I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
