What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
