that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
